Sex Porn Tube Central

Sometimes we need that extra edge that our hands and a couple free porn videos can’t provide. However, maybe we are too broke or embarrassed to walk to a sex shop and purchase a sex toy. This is where xxx DIY comes in handy. Yes, it is possible to make your own homemade sex toy. However, make sure before you insert anything into your body or insert yourself into any contraption you may have assembled that it is safe enough to not damage or harm your body. That is the last thing you want, especially in your “special area”. Here are a few ideas if you can’t think past the usual suggestion of “The Banana”.

1. The Fifi

Materials needed: Towel, rubber glove, lubricant

1. Fold a towel into a rectangle, longways.
2. Get a rubber glove and place it with the open side out.
3. Fold the towel around the glove so that it creates a tight hole.
4. Stretch the open part of the glove over the end part of the towel nearest the glove, creating a tight hole of rubber.
5. Apply lubricant, lots and lots and lots of lubricant. Did I mention you should apply lubricant?

2. Couch Cushion For The Pushin’

Materials Needed: Ziploc bag, scissors, lubricant

1. Cut the seal strip off of your Ziploc bag
2. Squirt lubricant into the bag, make sure it covers the whole bag.
3. Bring the plastic bag over to your couch and put it under a cushion.
4. Get in the bag.
5. Push down on the couch for more pressure.

3. Sponge Bottle

Materials Needed: Empty(clean and dry) soda bottle, scissors, bubble wrap, two sponges (with no rough sides), masking tape.

1. Cut off the top of your soda bottle. Make sure you cut evenly, so that there are no jagged sides.
2. Take two sponges and place them side-by-side on a rectangular sheet of bubble wrap.
3. Fold the bubble wrap in, wrapping each of the sponges individually while still leaving some space in the middle. Making sure there is some bubble wrap slack that can stick out of the bottle later.
4. Squeeze the sponges into the soda bottle. Make sure that they are as symmetrically inserted as possible.
5. Tape the excess bubble wrap “slack” to the sides of the soda bottle, securing that both the opening of the soda bottle isn’t sharp and that the sponges will remain inside.
6. Have fun with your new toy!

4. A Flogger (For All You BDSM Lovers)

Materials Needed: tourniquets, a wooden (or plastic) cylindrical handle (you can take it off an old hammer, even), electrical tape, rope strips (or anything you want to flog), a power drill

1. Burn the edge of the rope strips, so that they don’t fray. It hardens the ends of the rope a little, so that it stings a little.
2. Get all your same-length rope strips together, then hold them around the wooden handle.
3. Tie some electrical tape around them. Tape them down really tightly and very securely. As tight as humanly possible to the wooden stick.
4. Tie it all the way down.
5. Use a powerdrill to drill a hole into the far end of the handle.
6. Tie a rope through it and you’ve got yourself a wrist handle, like you’re playing Wii

You won’t be able to find any of these in any porn movie. I’m also pretty sure any self-respecting adult video star wouldn’t use any of these. How are they still on the market? I know for sure they wouldn’t pass health and safety standards, but because sex toys are considered novelty items they don’t need to be tested. I’m also extremely confident these toys are made from materials that should not be inserted into your orifices.

Baby Jesus Butt Plug

I apologize to all Christians everywhere.

The Bat

Honestly, I don’t want to know how this thing works. I pray that it is supposed to be used for “spanking”. Something tells me I’m wrong.

Boot Dildo

“I’m going to shove my foot up your ass.” I had to …

Rosemary’s Baby

This thing makes me want to vomit, cry and clean my eyes out with Windex simultaneously.

Head Fleshlite

This gives “skull fucking” a whole new meaning.

The Body Bag

Real quote from the site that sells this, “It’s so comfortable, I could stay in it all night.” Someone remind me, how is this sexual?

Horse Cock

For all of you who have always wanted to fuck a horse but chose not to because a) it’s illegal, b) you may die from internal bleeding, or c) its A FUKING HORSE, buy this!

Chastity Cock Lock

This reminds me of a gadget that would be used in a Saw movie.

Anal Ring Toss

Okay so this isn’t HORRIBLE. Fun party idea, maybe? The man on the package looks like he means business though, and I’m pretty sure that “business” involves him placing HIS package inside of you. I’m scared.

The One-Eyed Cock Vibrator

I understand the logic behind this toy, I just don’t understand the design concept. Who doesn’t want a waterproof vibrator? They’re fun! I just don’t want mine looking like Kodos or Kang from The Simpsons.

Molestache

1. I am terrified just by the looks of this “thing”. 2. It oddly reminds me of Swedish Chef from The Muppets.

Orca

This dong was carefully modeled to look exactly like an Orca whale’s penis. It is over 15 inches long not including the base. So if you’ve always dreamt of fucking Free Willy, this one’s for you.

The Piggly Wiggly

I have no words. The googley-eyes and snout are creeping me out.

The Fisting Mitten

Alright, I understand the need for fisting. Some people enjoy that. Whatever floats your boat. The one thing that disturbs me about this is the length of the latex sleeve. WHY DEAR GOD WHY IS IT SO LONG?!

Sex-in-a-Can

This is the Fleshlite’s new invention. Incase you want to display your sex toys out on the counter and be discreet about it, you can buy this. Just make sure nobody tries to drink from it. “Your beer tastes like ass – PENIS ass.”

The Cone

How…far..down. Nevermind. This scares me; butt plugs should NOT be that wide.

Inflatable Hot Seat

Make sure the kiddies don’t get this mixed up with the inner-tube at the pool or beach.

The Pleasure Periscope

Now who said playing “doctor” wasn’t sexy? With this object you can view the insides of your partner while they ride the periscope. This toy comes with an internal light and viewfinder. Revenge of the nerd?

Georgie O’Keefe Tits ‘n Pussy

All of her art has been officially ruined with the invention of this sex toy.

Zombie Dildo

And last but not least for all of you zombie fanatics, your dreams have been answered. You can now legitimately fuck a zombie!

Pizza Delivery Boy

A woman is sitting home alone watching television – a very horny, lonely woman. Suddenly there is a knock at the door. “Who could that possibly be?” she thinks to herself. As she makes her way over to the door, she opens it up. Standing in front of her is a young, buff, half naked pizza deliver boy ready to deliver his package to her. Let the porn ensue.

Babysitter

The cute teen babysitter (who is of age, of course) has put the children to bed and waits up for the father to come home. As she’s dosing off on the couch she hears the front door open. It is the father, he has arrived, and he is ready to pay the babysitter – but not with money. Let the free sex ensue.

Teacher-Student

The hot sexy teacher asks the naughty student to stay late after class one night for “detention”. once all of the other students and staff have left, the teacher makes her move. She plays a semi-dominatrix role usually wearing a tight pencil skirt, hair in a pony tail and smacking a ruler against her open palm and the corner of her desk. She instructs the student on how to pleasure her. Such a typical adult video premise.

Sexy Librarian

Similar to “Teacher-Student”, only the roles are slightly reversed. The shy, timid, sexy librarian whose hair is tied up in a bun and is wearing thick black framed glasses seduces/gets seduced by an innocent man studying in the library. They find a quiet corner in the building and go at it. In this scenario, the librarian can play the submissive role.

Daughter Seduces Dad’s Friend

Naughty teen daughter thinks she can get anything she wants and decides to put this theory to the test. When she’s home alone, she tricks one of her Dad’s friend into coming over to the house. As soon as the Dad’s friend arrives and realizes no one is home but him and the daughter he feels obliged to leave. That is until the daughter begins to rub up against him and make her move. Come to think of it (no pun intended) this premise makes for some pretty hot sex videos.

XXX Slumber Party

A group of hot teens are sitting around a living room with movies playing and munchies sitting in bowls on a coffee table. Out of nowhere one of the girls yells “PILLOW FIGHT!” which ignites a massive fight between all girls. Pillows and food are flying everywhere. Laughter and giggling is heard – maybe the odd “Stop it, Sandy!” as well. Soon, the fighting turns into kissing, which turns into making out, which turns into a full on orgy.

Have you ever flipped through a celebrity rag mag like Us and came across a section entitled “Celebrities are just like us!”? You know, they show stupid pictures of Jessica Alba and her daughter in a playground with a caption along the lines of “Their kids play in the park!”, or a shirtless Gerrard Butler swimming in the ocean with a caption that says “They swim in water just like us!” Ridiculous, right? Ridiculous yet still entertaining.

Well, I’m going to give you a xxx version of “Celebs are just like us!” called “Female Celebrities Love Watching Porn“. Here is a list of eight female celebrities who have admitted to the public/press/paparazzi/etc. that they love porn, watch sex videos, and probably would consider staring in an adult video or two. Maybe I just made that last part up, but hey, you never know, right? Just because someone watches porn doesn’t mean they want to star in it, I know, I know. Okay, so here’s the list.

1. Cameron Diaz

She admitted on Jimmy Kimmel Live that she likes to watch porn in hotel rooms.

2. Taylor Momsen

She has been quoted as saying, “If it’s a good sex tape, I’ll watch it. I like some adult stars … I have a couple favorites. But I will say this: That Tommy Lee-Pamela Anderson video wasn’t very good. I wouldn’t fuck Tommy Lee.”

3. Aubrey O’Day

Okay, so this shouldn’t come as such a shock. “I love porn. I’m more turned on watching the girls than the guys … I’ve had sex on camera with my boyfriend for fun … I’ve made all of them delete it just after we’ve watched it,” says O’Day.

4. Dita Von Teese

Also, not a big shock. “You can find something for everyone on the Internet … As long as no one’s hurting anyone or involving children, then hey, what’s wrong with that? People love watching people having sex. I’m no different,” she claimed. She has a point.

5. Jessica Alba

She has admitted to renting hardcore classics as “Fetish Island” and “Neo Pornographia” from her local video store.

6. Lily Allen

She is on tour a lot, so this is what she had to say about porn watching, “When I travel around the world there often isn’t anything to watch on TV, especially when they don’t speak English … But watching porn is fine as it doesn’t need words. It’s sort of universal … I watch a lot of it and in my opinion the local porn in Japan is very sick and twisted.”

7. Tori Spelling

She mentioned in an interview to Giant magazine that she gets all of her hardcore porn from SugarDVD.com.

8. Mariah Carey

This one doesn’t surprise me at all. “Me and my husband have a very good time when we watch porn and I don’t think it’s bad. I think if it was bad it wouldn’t exist. And I think that everyone should experiment with porn,” she said in a radio interview.

The last thing you want on your body if you don’t have air conditioning is the body warmth of your partner or fuck buddy. Even though your partner may be offering you some hot (no pun intended) free sex, you’re probably not going to be in the mood.

The heat makes us feel sweaty, sticky, muggy, smelly and sick to our stomachs. What can you do if you and your partner want to get off, but its way too hot out for some nice fuckin’ action? Watch porn!

Go to your favourite free porn videos streaming website and pick a movie to watch with your partner. Lay down in bed, soak yourselves with cold water and aim the fans in your direction. You will cool down instantly. Get off by pleasuring yourself and eachother using only your hands while watching the free porn. Its an amazing idea, trust me.

Also, you and your partner could take a cold shower together. Although it may be slightly difficult for his little soldier to rise – if you catch my drift- you can attempt to have cold shower sex. If penetration deems to be impossible, have him go down on you. You’ll get your rocks off and he’ll feel like he’s doing a good service.

Are you starting to run out of creative bedroom ideas? Put on a free sex show for your partner. Your man will never want to look at porn again if you perform live in front of him. Touching yourself and really getting into the moment while he watches will drive him wild with pleasure. He will want to jump your bones, but you can’t let him. Be a tease; it will only intensify the passion.

The best thing to you that will DEFINITELY catch his attention is to start touching yourself unexpectedly while you two break away from your hot and heavy make out session. Say, he goes to grab a condom or bottle of lube, while you are lying there start touching yourself. He will look over in shock and amazement and probably wont move (except to get a better view).

Another transition period that will shock him is when you switch positions during sex. Say he flips you over on all fours into doggy position, use your fingers and spread your lips open. Play with yourself, or even better, grab his hand (or package) and rub it against yourself. Hands on sex is the best sex.

If you really just want to give him a show, you need to go all out. Make him sit down and make sure you are wearing something sexy. Do a little dance; possibly the lap kind? Slowly undress until you are fully naked and then do your thing. Go slow, and then really get into it. If you usually masturbate by rubbing your clitoris, insert a finger or two inside yourself anyway. This makes for a better show, even if it does nothing for you – your man will love it.

If you want to bump up the sex factor a bit more, perform for him in the shower. Lather up and rub yourself down. “Interact” with your shower head. Those pulsating water vibrations can really do the trick. 

There are the kind of studies I love hearing about. Ladies, gentlemen, turn on some free porn movies or grab your partners and get your rocks off. According to a study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, frequent orgasms are associated with greater satisfaction with our mental health, in our relationships and with our lives in general.

This means if you are getting off at least six times a week, (hey, it happens) your mind will be a lot clearer, you will be getting a daily exercise, you are at a lower risk for developing minor mental disorders and your relationships are more likely to thrive. I mean, think about it. Did anyone in an unhappy relationship ever admit to having a lot of sex resulting in many orgasms? No.

If you are in the 43 percentile of American women who cannot reach orgasm by having sexual intercourse alone, there are many other ways for you to get your rocks off. If you are single, try masturbation. Turn on a porn movie and get going.  You will quickly learn your body and know what feels right for you. If you are dating or married, tell your partner to go heavy on the foreplay. A lot of clitoral stimulation can help you achieve climax quicker and easier. However, some women get off easier on cervical stimulation. If that is the case, let your partner know or purchase the correct sex toy to help you satisfy your needs.

Orgasms also relieve tension. The racing heartbeat, increased blood flow and muscular tautness all come to a relaxing end during an orgasm. This can relieve built up tension in your nervous system.

I could keep listing reasons as to why orgasms are beneficial to your healthy being, but really, who needs an excuse to have an orgasm? Not me! (Just don’t fake them like Meg Ryan).

Are you thinking of purchasing a new (or your first) sex toy? A lot of women who are thinking about purchasing their first sex toy are usually intimidated by the large phallic nature of big rubber dildos or vibrating Rabbits. Not every sex toy looks like something out of a porn movie, ladies. Even little pocket rockets are considered “boring” these days. There have been vast new improvements in the sex toys industry. These new toys are hardly recognizable as something that can be related to the adult video industry. They are so subtle that most of them could be left out on a dining room table when guests come over and no one would even notice.

Also, these new toys are being made a lot safer. Because sex toys are considered “novelty items” the government doesn’t legally have to perform safety or health checks on the materials sex toys are made from, or how they are designed. This is a scary thought. Think of all the toxic plastics and rubbers that are used to make dildos. Think of all the ergonomically incorrect shaped toys that women are using in and around their lady parts.

Here are five fairly-new and extremely safe (expert tested) sex toys that will have  you rushing to your nearest adult store. May I suggest ordering them online on Pink Party’s website as well?

1. The Buzzlet

This looks like an iPod. It’s also the next generation of the Power Bullet, and if you are afraid of phallic looking vibes than this one is perfect for you. It has it’s own dock that it can plug into in order to recharge, and if you leave it out on your desk etc. guests won’t give you dirty looks. “The Buzzlet has a mod, fun look, and it’s stronger and has more varying modes than many small, portable toys,” says Carol Queen, Ph.D.

2. The JimmyJane Form 2

The is officially the weirdest looking sex toy I’ve ever seen. Therefore it is the perfect sex toy for someone who is bored with all of their other ones.  “Each of its two sides has its own motor, so you can position your clitoris in the middle and customize the sensation by adjusting the different settings,” says Kristen Tribby, national sex educator for the Pleasure Chest.

3. The MiMi

The MiMi is a perfect palm vibe for any woman who can achieve orgasm through intercourse alone (which is a large majority of women, so if you’re one of them don’t feel so left out). This vibe has five different vibration and pulsating motions for all of your different needs. This can also be a great free sex bonus, as it fits perfects between two bodies and can stimulate you and your man at the same time.

4. The We Vibe

This is an amazing toy. It can be used in a variety of different ways. First, it can be used jsut as a clit stimulator. It cal also be used as a g-spot/clit stimulator. And also, if you man is on the “small side” this toy can be used during intercourse. Insert it inside of you, turn on the vibration, and you will have the time of your life. He will also get off on the sensation. There you have it, a win-win situation.

5. The Mia

This is perfect for a woman who travels a lot. The rechargeable battery inside can be charged via the USB port (ass seen in the photo). Also, it resembles a lipstick container, so it is very discreet. You’ll have no problem taking this puppy through airport security.

When first purchasing a sex toy, whether it be a simple dildo, tiny pocket rocket, or the cadillac of double-stimulators – the Rabbit – one is usually too excited with their newfound toy, and too eager to have as many orgasms as possible to realize that their toy won’t last forever. Depending on the materials used to make the toy, it may last anywhere from a few years until the batteries run out, or six months max; a fact that a lot of people are not aware of.

Many toys used in the majority of free porn videos we’ve all seen are what I like to call the “jellys”. You know the one’s I’m talking about – they are the brightly colored, flexible and more often than not the cheapest looking toys used on porn sets. These jelly rubber toys are made of a material that is extremely porous. Even though it is highly recommended to clean your toy before and after each use (and frankly, if you aren’t already doing that, you have your own issues) these jelly rubber dildos and vibrators only have a shelf life of six months before they need to be thrown out.

The porous nature of jelly rubber can soak up all kinds of bacteria and make it easier for the toy’s owner to catch yeast and urinary tract infections. After hearing that I’m sure its reason enough to part with your beloved jelly Rabbit. No matter how much money you spent, it’s better to be safe than sorry.

If you still want to use sex toys because they feel just that good, and seeing them used in your favorite sex videos makes it difficult not to bust out a power bullet from time to time then I suggest you invest in a glass or silicone toy. These two non-porous materials will last a very long time, can be cleaned with soap and water, and even be boiled down to kill bacteria without ruining the toy itself.

We’ve all gone through the routine of making sure our browser history is fully wiped clean after viewing sex videos online. And I’m sure you all had little tricks, as I did, to make sure that you never got caught watching porn whether it was by family members, friends or roommates. Some of my old tricks were to keep a few other browser windows ready to open on the task bar incase anyone walked in on me. Also, clicking alt+tab or apple+tab automatically closes the window you have up on your screen; this trick saved me a LOT of embarrassment when I was younger. Also, keeping your mouse on the “x” button at the top of the page was key. And finally windows key + D minimises all open windows on your computer. It’s funny what we will do to hide our porn consumption.

Now that we are living in a new age of digital technology, there are more ways that you can view porn. For example, on a smartphone. Everyone has a Blackberry or iPhone these days, and they’re being used as mini computers rather than phones. Seeing as there are more intricate ways of watching porn on-the-go, there are also more  ways you can get caught. Recently it came to my attention that Blackberry Messenger (BBM)  has a user option called “show what I’m listening to”. If this is clicked, everyone on your BBM list will be able to see the title and artist of the song you are listening to. Subsequently this also works for certain webpages you view. I started noticing certain people on my BBM friends list have their name change to free porn sites. They had no idea I was able to see the title of the free porn movies they were watching, all because they had the “show what I’m listening to” button checked off.

The moral of the story here is, if you’re going to watch porn and don’t want people to trace your tracks then be careful where you choose to watch it, and be careful to clean up your tracks. If not, you’re left embarrassed and I’m left with a funny story to write on my blog